Monday, August 10, 2015

you can't miss something you never had

This is an extremely difficult realization for me, and it needs to be written about. You might never, ever see these words. But the fact that I am laying down with them tonight, as I'm laying in my bed, this is what I really need to say.

I've weaved myself in and out of you, constantly fighting with myself, "he's worth it", "he'll leave you", "he could fall in love with me, I mean, really fall in love with me", and "he's just not the one." I'm exhausted with whatever this is being so one sided all of the time.

Here's the ultimate deal breaker: You have a girlfriend. It's not me. I agreed to be friends with you. This was a mistake, but I couldn't hate you even if I tried. Time has healed the pain that I felt when I walked home alone that night in June, but it doesn't do any justice. You haven't gained my trust back. But we're friends, right? I love talking with you, in person, as I'm sunken into your couch holding your mug of coffee. You're across the room on a chair and dammit you still have my hands shaking. Why? The way I feel about you is constant and it makes the peach fuzz on my back shiver in the most comfortable way.

But again, here's the catch that deters me from you.

I don't want to be your second girlfriend. You don't love me. I fill your time. I am your stoned Wednesday nights. I am the words you waste between reading novels. I am all of the time your girlfriend spends in lecture, doing work, out with her friends, a few miles away. I am the stepping stone. And I deserve better.

If I was your first girlfriend, I would make you promise to leave me before cheating on me. I would bring up tense topics like this at 3:13 am because these are the kind of things that I believe keep people together. Honesty and fear and warmth and love all tied up into the kinds of scenes you see in  A Walk to Remember and (500) Days of Summer. If I was your girlfriend, we'd be best friends. But I'm not, and we aren't.

Where we stand with each other right now, is tormenting. 

I am not cocky, vein, or anything of the sort, but I know that I could sleep with you if I wanted. But love, like real, under the covers, awakening, love, is what I deserve. (I just wish it was with you).

I'd be your girlfriend if you'd ask me to. But would you? If you're too scared to try, then maybe it just isn't meant to be. It could just be me sending horrible, horrible signals to you, and for that I am sorry. Either way, you should probably stop talking to me. You're comfortable with your girlfriend at the moment and I'm obviously not enough. If you wanted me, you could make yourself vulnerable, dump her, and ask me out. You know I'd say yes. But something is stopping you. So please don't text me anymore. I will stop sending you songs that I think you'd like. I will stop looking for us in the words you write. I will accept the fact that you're with another girl, but please help me out. Write me off, ignore me, because I'd give a lot just to hate you.

You've never been mine. I have no idea what to call you. "You can't miss something you never had"?